Jokes

Anti UNIX:

• If Unix is the answer, then it must have been a stupid question.
• Unix is the only virus with a command-interface.
• How can an operating system from 1970 (UNIX) be more modern than an operating system from 1978 (VMS)?
• Unix - the first computer virus.
• NFS = Nightmare File System.
• Berkeley is famous for LSD and BSD UNIX. I don't think that is a coincidence.
• Sure, the Unix file system corrupts your files, but look how fast it is!
• Friends don't let friends use Unix.
• Unix - the ideal operating system for CPU's that are never powered up.
• Nothing wrong with Unix that a total redesign and rewrite can not fix.
• UNIX will be preempted by NT. UNIX doesn't know it yet - it won't notice until it's too late, because UNIX is the Yugoslavia of software, at war with itself -- but it's all over.
• The users of Unix systems said speed wasn't an issue when the Alpha chip was released. The same people tell their wives and girlfriends that size doesn't matter.
• If Unix were a beer, then it would be shipped in open casks so that anybody could piss in it before delivery.
• UNIX is user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are.
• UNIX is akin to a religion to some. If things aren't done like they are in UNIX, then they must be bad. Sorry, I don't believe in this religion.
• UNIX is a four-letter word!
• VI = Virtually Incomprehensible.
• Unix is about as user friendly as a blow in the back from an ice-pick, only not quite as productive.
• What has happend, when a system-manager gets gray-haired in one day ? One day with a UNIX system !
• How do you pronounce UNIX ? You Nix !
• The sad thing about UNIX is that no matter how many times you hit yourself over the head with it, you never quite manage to completely lose conciousness.
• Cretin and UNIX both start with C.
• The scariest thing about Jurassic Park was that the control systems were Unix.
• I used to do VMS, now I do Unix - it's a living.
• Why is using a UNIX system like being an Enuch? Everytime you go to do something important, you realize something critical is missing.
• Why aren't there many female unix users? They don't think about to ask a man for help!

Anti MS-Windows:

• MicroSoft is not the answer, MicroSoft is the question, the answer is no.
• Why does the DOS version of a program always run faster on a 2 MB 16 MHz 386SX than the Windows version on a 8 MB 66 MHz 486DX2?
• Is MicroSoft a new toilet paper or what?
• The PC has created anarchy. Hardware and software have been thrown together in random configurations at the whim of any employee with access to an expense voucher and a computer catalogue. The result has been a financial and adminstrative nightmare for corporations.
• 640K ought to be enough for anybody said Bill Gates in 1981.
• I wonder how much the harddisk and RAM producers pay the Windows developers to write such ressource-demanding programs.
• Question: How many Microsoft engineers do you need to replace a broken light-bulb?
  Answer: None, Microsoft will standardize the darkness in such cases!
• Windows-95 makes Unix look like an operating system !
• Competition of writing books about elephants:
  IBM: Big blue elephant.
  Novell: Linking elephants.
  Microsoft: Why you must buy Windows 95.
• PnP = Plug Not Play
• PnP = Plug aNd Phone
• PnP = Plus aNd Pray
• 1995: DOS is dead. Bill.
  1998: Bill is dead. DOS.
• 1995: DOS is dead. Bill.
  1998: C:\>copy con prn
  Bill is dead.
  ^Z
  

Other:

• IBM operating systems have all the flying qualities of a brick. But if you hurl a brick around fast enough, it'll fly.
• WWW = World Wide Wait

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